Chapter 1: Does this retirement make me look old... ?

For a surprising decision, it was surprisingly easy to make. This year, I will retire as a public servant the moment my magic numbers spin into the lucky jackpot position of 55 years old and 30+ years of service. 

It is a true "Freedom 55", just like that old TV ad - except I'm not a silver-haired white guy with a boat. Definitely boat-less. And I forgot to surround myself with photogenic grandchildren (or children. Or, um, a husband. Damn.).  But also... didn't those people in the ad look really old? Like Tim Conway serving up the wieners-old? Retirement sounds old.

I am not old. Although that Tim Conway reference may be working against me.. 😏

So why retire, and why now?

I have an incredible - enviable, even - career where I do interesting things in fancy places with really smart people. And I am good at it.

I am extraordinarily fortunate to have a good life. No matter how often I want to scream at the sky about the nonsense of the day, I can let loose that scream from my lovely garden patio, next to my pleasant little house, where I have food and heat and want for very little.

My job does not make me risk my life, or operate heavy machinery or stand outside in the rain and cold. It does bring its odd spikes of mental anguish, but usually of the manufactured sort that dissolve into nothingness when you stop believing in it, like bad fairies or your ideal weight.

But.. here I am, retiring. Because I guess I feel kind of done, or maybe just kind of done in... and I'm not sure what else you do when that happens?  

One of the very wise Deputy Ministers who used to lead my department would talk about the importance of curiosity in the character of a successful public servant - the urge to know more, to learn, to be in the thick of the defining issues of our time. I can feel my sense of curiosity playing hooky from work a little more each day. It wants to be outside in the fresh air, playing with the dogs, and generally being a little minx by losing itself in daydream adventures with Mr. Darcy, the Mitford sisters, or the 2021 Montreal Canadiens. My curious brain wants to be in my community, in my garden, in my beloved hometown and be filled with thoughts of what I can do to make them better, in my very small way.

So, my curiosity has declared itself ready to retire. My head has signed-off on this proposition, and is busying itself through the administrative steps. My stomach is too incapacitated by stress-induced nausea to make any rational decisions. And my heart... my heart is still figuring this out. 

Because I am not old. So what's a youthful (see also: clever and delightful) 55 year old to do when she grows up?

I will be sharing my thoughts and little musings about my venture into the grey abyss on this blog - my retirement diary, or retirary - and I hope you will enjoy it too. 

🏖🏖🏖